The definition of mystery movies is at once pretty open-ended and abundantly simple. These are films whose narratives focus on some sort of enigma to be solved, and follow the heroes who go about solving them. As such, many of history’s greatest films fit into this typically riveting genre. Unfortunately, however, some of theworstfilms of all time also happen to be mystery films.
From idiotic comedies with no sense of true mystery, likeHolmes & Watson, to horror movies that are scary mainly because of how bad they are, likeSlender Man,the worst mystery movies are ones that completely misunderstand what makes the genre interesting. Instead of offering compelling characters solving an entertaining puzzle, they offer forgettable narratives revolving around a mystery that audiences couldn’t care less about if they tried.
10’Zoolander 2' (2016)
Directed by Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller’s 2001 satireZoolanderis one of the most beloved comedy cult classics of the early 2000s, and deservedly so. As such, a lot was riding on its long-awaited sequel, which was released in 2016. Spoiler alert: It didn’t exactly live up to expectations.Zoolander 2sees Derek and Hansel dragged back into the world of modeling after years of being distant from the industry and each other. In Rome, they find themselves the targets of a sinister conspiracy.
Lacking laughs and creativity,Zoolander 2is just a lazily self-referential parade of terrible cameos thatsquander an otherwise impressive cast. Nostalgia is a powerful element that can greatly elevate the enjoyability of a legacy sequel, but even that wasn’t nearly enough for this particular one. There’s nothing in it that’s particularly fresh or fun, and the mystery at the center of its narrative is certainly no better.
Zoolander 2
9’Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2' (2000)
Directed by Joe Berlinger
When it came out in 1999,The Blair Witch Projectbecame an instant hit. To this day, it’s still remembered as one of the ’90s' most impactful horror movies, thanks to its unique found footage style, its low-budget aesthetic, and particularly its brilliant marketing campaign.Its sequel, on the other hand, was pretty much universally panned.Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. Ditching the found footage framing device, the sequel is about a group of tourists arriving in Burkittsville, Maryland after watchingThe Blair Witch Projectto explore its mythology, only to came face to face with their own neuroses and probably the witch herself.
While the first film is one ofthe best horror movies of all time, this one is most certainly not. Confusing, atrociously written, and lacking the kind of inventive flair that made its predecessor so big,Blair Witch 2is everything that a mystery horror film shouldn’t be. Horribly clichéd and on-the-nose, this tragic flop is proof that not every successful horror movie should spawn a franchise.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
8’Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever' (2002)
Directed by Wych Kaosayananda
There are some action movies so terrible that they become enjoyable cult classics. Then, there areaction movies that are just bad.Not funny, not ironically entertaining, not worth viewers' time in any way whatsoever. One of the most egregious examples of this isBallistic: Ecks vs. Sever, a thriller about an FBI agent and a rogue DIA agent tasked with destroying each other, though they discover that a much bigger enemy is at work.
One of the worst-reviewed films in the history of Rotten Tomatoes, holding a 0% Tomatometer score with 118 reviews,Ecks vs. Severis surprisigly worthy of its reputation. The action has no style or anything engaging, the characters' motivations make no sense, and the lack of mystery makes the movie the worst thing that an action flick can possibly be: Sleep-inducingly boring.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Severis currently not available to stream, rent, or purchase in the U.S.
7’The Fog' (2005)
Directed by Rupert Wainright
A remake of the far-superior 1980John Carpenterfilm of the same name,The Fogis a supernatural horror movie where a thick mist full of vengeful spirits haunts a prosperous island off the coast of Oregon, as its inhabitants attempt to learn their town’s dark secrets in order to stop it. Where the first movie was as clever and atmospheric as one can expect most of Carpenter’s horror films to be, this remake is anything but that.
One of the worst horror remakes of the 21st century, making a mid-tier Carpenter film feel likeThe Thing.
The film is entirely incompetent as both a horror movie and a mystery movie, showing and explaining far too much to be even a little bit suspenseful. It’s one ofthe worst horror remakesof the 21st century, making a mid-tier Carpenter film feel likeThe Thing. Though there’s lots of potential here for a genuinely creepy movie, the lack of creativity and passion wastes every single one of those chances.
Rent on Amazon
6’Holmes & Watson' (2018)
Directed by Etan Cohen
Will FerrellandJohn C. Reillyare one of the most iconic comedic duos of modern Hollywood, having collaborated on movies as beloved asStep BrothersandTalladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Their absolute worst work together, however, is undoubtedlyHolmes & Watson. This slapstick parody is a “humorous” take on SirArthur Conan Doyle’s classic mysteries.
One ofthe worst comedy moviesof recent years,Holmes & Watsonis a nonsensical string of painfully unfunny sketcheswith some of the worst writing imaginable and both Ferrell and Reilly’s worst performances. Those expecting to at least get a semi-decent detective mystery should look elsewhere, too. There’s zero suspense or tension in this film; zero story, zero character development, zero effective jokes.
Holmes & Watson
Watch on Starz
5’S. Darko' (2009)
Directed by Chris Fisher
Donnie Darkois one of the biggest cult classics of the 2000s, largely responsible for bringing the midnight movie circuit back to life at the turn of the century. It’s often forgotten that it has a sequel — and perhaps that’s for the best.S. Darkofocuses on Donnie’s sister, Samantha, who’s on a cross-country road trip with her best friend, Corey. Soon, though, they find themselves entangled in a dangerous glitch in the time-space continuum.
A shameless cash-grab through and through,S. Darkois a sad attempt at a continuation of one of the funniest, most iconic,creepiest horror cult classics ever. Where the first film was a brilliant commentary on teenhood and teen films, this one feels more like fan fiction that repeatedly tries and fails to imitate the original. ThoughDaveigh Chaseis good in the title role,there’s nothing else in this movie that merits watching it even once.
4’I Know Who Killed Me' (2007)
Directed by Chris Sivertson
Like all-too-many Hollywood child stars,Lindsay Lohanhada life of drugs and alcoholhalt her fame in the 2000s and 2010s. During this time, she repeatedly tried (and,unfortunately, constantly failed) to reignite her career. One such attempt came with 2007’sI Know Who Killed Me, a much darker role than viewers were used to seeing the star in. The story’s about a young woman who was missing but reappears, claiming to be someone else entirely.
I Know Who Killed Meis a poorly plotted and often ludicrous experience that’s not even wild enough to recommend.
Though the movie has gained a tiny cult following over the years,it’s never reached a point where it’s generally regarded as anything more than a failure. The baffling mystery plot is at least weird enough that it offers some cult value, but that’s about it. Outside of that,I Know Who Killed Meis a poorly plotted and often ludicrous experience that’s not even wild enough to recommend. At least Lohan has finally gotten her long-overdue comeback in the 2020s, so movies like this one can finally be buried in the past where they belong.
3’Slender Man' (2018)
Directed by Sylvain White
Slender Man was an Internet creepypasta that was a huge pop-cultural phenomenon in the late 2000s and early 2010s. Sony was a bit late to the party when they released a movie adaptation of the character in 2018.Slender Manis set in a small town in Massachusetts, where a group of friends fascinated by the Internet lore of Slender Man attempt to prove that he doesn’t actually exist — until one of them mysteriously goes missing.
The fact thatSlender Manwas such a gargantuan flop wasn’t just because of poor timing, though.It’s a pretty horrid psychological horror movie, no matter how you slice it. Its mystery plot isn’t engaging in the slightest, but rather so incredibly thin that the film feels like just a collection of poorly crafted scares that are more grating than they are scary. It’s one ofthe worst movies of the 2010s, and that’s saying something.
Slender Man
2’The Wicker Man' (2006)
Directed by Neil LaBute
While the 1973 British folk horror masterpieceThe Wicker Manis one of the genre’s most impactful and influential works,its 2006 Hollywood remake is so very far behind that level of quality that it’s genuinely impressive. It starsNicolas Cagein what may just be his worst performance, as a sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island. He discovers that there’s a larger mystery to solve among the island’s secretive pagan community.
Infamously ridiculous, over-the-top, and unintentionally hilarious,The Wicker Manis a rather unfortunate repaint of one ofthe most perfect folk horror movies ever. The mystery plot is just going through the motions and is unlikely to generate any kind of interest in anyone even remotely familiar with the original. People who love so-bad-they’re-good movies are likely to have a field day with this one; everyone else should avoid it like the plague.
The Wicker Man
Rent on Apple TV
1’Foodfight!' (2012)
Directed by Lawrence Kasanoff
Generally regarded asnot just the worst animated movie of all time, but one of the worst films ever in general,Foodfight!is the kind of movie that’s so unbelievably bad that it goes well beyond so-bad-it’s-good territory and enters the realm of so-bad-it’s-just-bad, which is perhaps what’s prevented it from getting an ironic cult following over the years. In it, Dex Dogtective unites forces with other residents of a supermarket to stop Lady X, the face of the evil Brand X, from taking over the world.
Saying that there’s any kind of mystery inFoodfight!is being excessively generous, but there’s technically enough of one to classify this as part of the genre.Headache-inducing chaos fills an incredibly convoluted storyfull of sexual innuendos, horrifying animation, and story beats that any sane viewer would prefer to forget. The abundance of product placement is likely what allowed the people behind the movie to get voice actors of the stature ofCharlie SheenandHilary Duff, and the world is all-the-worse for it.
