On March 31, two very large boys will collider inGodzilla vs. Kong, a titanic monster fight for the ages that directorAdam Wingardinsists will have a definitive winner. The natural human reaction from anyone who has ever seen a movie is “no it won’t.” We all rememberFreddy vs. Jason. We lived through that. But Wingard has remained adamant that, as it says on the posters, one will fall.
“This is the decider. You don’t have to debate it anymore,” he toldIGN. “You watch this film. That’s Godzilla, that’s King Kong. They’re beating the shit out of each other, and one wins, and that’s it.”
So, if one of these monters must win, we’ve crunched the numbers, compiled the data, watched the 1967 filmKing Kong Escapesmore than any human should, to try and find out which beastie is more likely to emerge victorious. Here is theGodzilla vs. KongTale of the Tape.
Height and Reach
Much hullabaloo has been made about the sizes of both behemoths inGodzilla vs. Kong, because over the years King Kong has typically always been much smaller than his big green foe. To be fair, Godzilla’s height has fluctuated wildly, coming in around 165 feet when he debuted in 1954 and topping off at around 390 feet for Warner Bros. Monster-Verse. Comparatively, Kong has typically been more in the “eight gorillas stacked on top of each other to make one big gorilla” range. But Warner Bros. set the stage for a larger Kong inKong: Skull Island, when Hank Marlow (John C. Reilly) says of the already-big Titan: “Kong’s the last of his kind, but he’s still growing.”
RELATED:Why There Is No One True Godzilla
The Kong of Wingard’s film officially stands at a healthy 335 feet, while Godzilla comes in at 393. So, yeah, Zilla’s still got a substantial height advantage, and you already know he’sgot the weight advantage. The only thing Kong’s got on his opponent in the size department is reach. Godzilla is a mythic mash-up of dragon, dinosaur, and whale, a formidable package that still leaves you with tiny little T-Rex arms. In a straight-up boxing match, Kong wins. Unfortunately, most regulation boxing matches do not allow for six-mile-long tails or radioactive breath with the power of a hundred nuclear bombs.
ADVANTAGE:GODZILLA
Past History
Godzilla and Kong have only directly tangoed one time before, in 1962’sKing Kong vs. Godzillafrom originalGodzilladirectorIshirō Honda. Obviously, that’s a completely different canon, but it does offer a glimpse into just how you stage a fair fight between two completely mismatched monsters. For one, King Kong absolutely needs to get his ass kicked at least once. He simply must, and does in hilarious fashion in the 1962 film, when he shows up and kind of half-heartedly tosses a boulder in Godzilla’s direction. Godzilla, in return, blasts the absolute shit out of Kong with his atomic breath, and Kong immediately walks away like “absolutely not my department, not today.” It rules.
RELATED:A Crucial Misstep in 2014’s ‘Godzilla’ Highlights a Recurring Problem with the Franchise
However, the second fight of the film goes differently. Kong is quite literally airlifted into the brawl using a complex system of balloons, gets supercharged by a bolt of lightning, and proceeds to throw haymakers at Godzilla like the iconic Kaiju owes him four weeks of rent. My man shoves a tree down Godzilla’s throat. You’ve seenthe GIF. For decades, a lot of fans have called the end ofKing Kong vs. Godzillaambiguous, but the images themselves don’tquitesupport that reading. Kong and Godzilla tumble into the ocean, and only Kong emerges. The movie ends on Kong, with Godzilla dragging an L all the way to the ocean floor.
ADVANTAGE:KONG
Career Highlights
Unfortunately, this category isaggressivelyuneven, as Kong’s most notable claim to fame is climbing up a very tall tower and getting shot to death. This has happened to the guy three times. In 1933’sSon of Kongwe learn Kong had an adorable baby boy, who promptlydrowns to death in the same film. In 1986’sKing Kong Lives, we are introduced to Lady Kong and another Son of Kong, who King Kong meets for roughly 10 seconds before once again getting blown to pieces by the military. Yes, the big guy has picked up a few impressive lower-tier wins against various T-Rexes and giant octopuses—plus the one time in 1967 he fought the tragically obscure Mecha-Kong—but Kong’s resume is mostly just deeply tragic until the Monster-Verse started painting him as an ass-kicker equal to Godzilla.
RELATED:The 1933 ‘King Kong’ Sequel ‘Son of Kong’ Haunts My Every Waking Moment
On the other side, you’ve got Godzilla, introduced as a potent metaphor for the horror and destruction of nuclear war, a force of nature born of mankind’s sins. Across seven decades, Godzilla has straight bodying a top-tier collection of aliens, sea-monsters, and any other Kaiju who felt froggy in his general vicinity. Mechagodzilla, a living weapon designed specifically to defeat Godzilla, got dropped five times. The three-headed astro-abomination known as King Ghidorah sent packingeight times. Rodan. Hedorah. Destoroyah. Space-Godzilla! All of them, backhanded back from whence they came. Godzilla laid a sick dropkick across Megalon’s chin and the world has never been the same. It is time, once again, to watch the Godzilla dropkick.
Keys to Victory
See what Kong is going to want to avoid doing is getting turned into a massive pile of irradiated monkey dust by Godzilla’s atomic breath. That’s priority number one. Pretty much the main sticking point since this movie got announced was “why doesn’t Godzilla just sneeze King Kong to death?” and folks, it’s a fair question. You don’t normally need to do a “Bazooka vs. Baseball Bat” tale of the tape. But you have to remember, Kong is a survivor, and more than that, he’s a strategist. Yes, he starts out with fists and feet, but inKong: Skull Islandmy guy used a dang boat propeller like a medieval war mace. TheGodzilla vs. Kongtrailers revealed Kong has upped his arsenal, wielding a massive ax fashioned from what looks like a spike plucked right from Godzilla’s back, the pettiest move ever pulled by a 30-foot-tall ape. Kong needs to use that cunning and keep moving, the tale of David vs. Goliath if Goliath also happened to shoot lasers out his mouth.
As for Godzilla, well, that’s kind of like offering the keys to victory to a Hummer that’s about to smash into a Mini-Cooper. Godzilla is…overwhelming. He’s a walking landmass who can survive underwater, a gargantuan mythical beast who breathes radiation and dwarfs most buildings. He’s got the on-paper advantage in pretty much every column; size, weight, strength,sick dance moves. If Kong sticks and moves, it’s a fight, but if this movie ever paints Kong into a corner? Game over, man. Game over.
ADVANTAGE:???
Godzilla vs. Kong hits theaters and HBO Max on Wednesday, March 31.
KEEP READING:Why Legendary’s MonsterVerse Has Succeeded Where DC, Universal, and Sony Have Failed
